Dear Alabama Snow

March 12, 2022

Dear Alabama Snow,

I'm not entirely sure what to say here if I'm being honest. The last thing I want is to hurt your feelings, but it's apparent we've reached a point in our relationship where a little honesty is needed. And my apologies in advance if what follows comes off as harsh. This letter was written in haste, and if given more time, perhaps I could have crafted it in such a way as not to offend. But in light of today's events, it appears time is of the essence. So here it goes…

You need to leave. You have overstayed your welcome.

Was it not clear that your last visit needed to be your last visit? Could you not sense from the lack of enthusiasm upon your previous arrival that your presence was beginning to become a nuisance? How did you not get the message?

The fact this letter is even necessary shows a monumental lack of self-awareness on your part. A little advice for you: learn to read the room. Do you know how many children I see making snow angels right now? Zero. Not a single soul is outside as I write this. Why? Because everyone here has moved on. It's March. The jackets and sweaters have returned to the back of the closet. Folks around here are ready to partake in other activities, many of which are impossible to do with you present. Who's going to go swimming or grill out in 25-degree weather? Besides, we all thought you left. It's been damn near 80 degrees for an entire week. Last weekend, the weather was so nice we took the family to the zoo (we had a really lovely time, by the way. Did you see the pictures on Facebook?).

That said, I'm sure you can imagine my surprise of waking up to find you had paid a visit this late in the year. What is it? Is it jealousy? Could you not handle the fact that all of us, myself included, were beginning to enjoy the sunshine? Is that why you showed back up? And on a Saturday of all days? You couldn't do it during a workday? Haven't we had this conversation before? You showing up corresponds with a day off, but folks can't get a day off if you show up on a day when they're already off. What about this doesn't make sense to you? It's either you don't care, or you don't listen, or honestly, I don't know which is worse. Again, not trying to be mean, but something had to be said.

However, please don't let this ruin our relationship permanently. It's not that I don't like having you around - I do. Many of us here in Alabama love to make a snowman once or twice a year. But that's the magic number - once or twice. It's the classic case of less-is-more, you know? Any more than that, and you start to wear out your welcome fairly quickly. Not to be rude, but you are a lot to handle. And like a crazy family member at Thanksgiving, our time together is best left to small, infrequent encounters.

If we could, though, I would love to discuss this matter further with you at a later date. Perhaps we could lay out a more concrete set of ground rules for our time together. But right now, we need some space. We need some distance.

So goodbye till next year (and please let it be next year).

P.S. Let me know if you didn't see those pictures from the zoo. I think you'd get a kick out of some of them.

Patrick Akers
Patrick Akers
Co-Host of Alabama Slam