Woke is Dead: Eighteen Days into the New Golden Age

Wow! We are eighteen (yes! only eighteen!) days into Supreme Leader Tump's Second Regime. Reporting on whatever the hell is going on right now is me! Brett Shores Neale. "What does Tump even look like now?" you probably didn’t ask. "I haven't seen him since he so peacefully and eloquently left office in 2021 after the 1,500 FBI agents dressed as his supporters attacked the Capitol.” Well, he has turned a more sinister shade of orange since then and appears to have mange, but the nineteen Diet Cokes per day are keeping the seventy-eight-year-old spectacularly preserved, all but visually!

Tump Plays Dress-Up

In his Inaugural Address, Tump was sure to give thanks to NYT-Best-Selling-Author God for saving most of his right ear and even brought a copy of God's book "The Bible" to be sworn in on. But drama! Just as the Honorable Brutus betrayed Caesar, Tump metaphorically stabbed God in the back by refusing to place his hand on it. He then declared that Heaven would be the 51st State and that tariffs would be placed on Hell until it was relocated to American sanctuary city San Francisco, which is already Hell on Earth. Curiously, he also pardoned the 1,500 J6 FBI agents who tried to make him look bad and referred to them as “hostages.” Some have since been re-arrested for other things like child porn. Others are (sadly!) dead. 

Illegal immigrant and failed transgender athlete Elon Musk did the Nazi salute twice on stage and has your social security number now for some reason. That seems bad, but who are you to judge a book by its cover? Actually, who are you to judge a book at all? We’re banning them. And the Department of Education. And recreational puppy killing legal is legal now.

The ocean is going to be called "America" from now on. DEl is officially dead and brown people no longer exist. The upside to that is American taxpayer dollars will no longer be wasted on building big enough chairs to hold certain government officials of unusual hues who might be, shall we say, morbidly obese. The downside is that airplanes and helicopters now fly into each other and kill everyone.

Personal anecdote: I'm a young adult just starting my career. How exciting! My biggest concern entering what the old and decrepit like to call "the real world" is that a two-bedroom home in the affordable South costs $300,000. Tump hasn’t fixed this one yet, but is probably working on it in the time not spent threatening America’s two largest trading partners Mexico and Canada. And seeing Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos (plus his fiancee who modestly showed only 75% of her tatas to the American people), Sundar Pichai, and Lex Luthor all dressed up in their human suits in the front row at the inauguration also helped ease my mind about the home prices. Those guys are always looking out for the common man, I'm told. My second biggest concern was the national security threat posed by they/thems, which was quickly addressed via Divine Proclamation issued by Tump. We still don't know which of the two--that's right, just two--genders Führer Tump is, but if someone is strong enough to pull back enough orange flab to figure it out, I promise to be the first to report it.

More than $1 Trillion in One Photo

Ending woke once and for all is a pressing top priority for Tump that requires the utmost haste and seriousness. So he declared the 14th Amendment unconstitutional. According to an internal survey that required a poll tax to submit, the self-proclaimed Lincoln-esque leader found 98% of Americans agree with this. Can’t argue with the numbers!

The illegal immigrants are being sent to Guantanamo Bay now. Where they torture prisoners of war and stuff like that. Tump is reportedly giving the detention camp a facelift for its new residents and ordering the installation of inspirational signs that say "Work Sets You Free.” The immigrants will eventually be relocated to live a better life.

Oops, Wrong Picture

Similarly, Tump says Palestinians should be relocated somewhere other than Gaza (who cares where they go; I don't know any of them personally) so that the United States can own a little piece of the Holy Land. In memory of the families who once lived there, he has very generously declared that he will put one-hundred Tump Tower hotels on the Mediterranean Sea, collect 100% of the profit, and make Hebrew the official language. Israeli President Bibi Netanyahu, who found new purpose over the past year in rounding up the citizens of Gaza into small areas and bombing them to death, expressed support for the plan.

And that’s more or less where we’re at, y’all! Just eighteen days (yes! Eighteen!) into what the Prophet Tump is calling “the new Golden Age,” and everything is already so, so good. There’ve been a blitzkrieg of eccentric activities going on, so I’m sure I’m missing quite a bit. Notably, some man we do not know and have never met is in charge of the Pentagon, a Kennedy with a brain worm in his head will be in charge of keeping the American people in good health, and a dozen eggs costs $25. Could be good! But it’s just too soon to know.