Good morning, America! The time has come again to put aside our differences, come together as Americans, and show those crooked-toothed Brits who’s really boss by losing appendages to explosives and having a contest to see which patriot can eat 200 hotdogs the fastest. There are just so many reasons to be a proud American this Independence Day. Let’s take a close look at a few of ’em.
Saving the Children!
In a widely popular decision among a small group of mentally unstable lunatics who claim the earth is 4000 years old, the Supreme Court has voted to replace the Bill of Rights with the Ten Commandments, overturn Roe v. Wade, and allow its members to wear pointy white hats as a fashion statement. This decision, of course, will save bazillions of innocent fetuses who experience very complex thoughts (much like the folks who fight so hard for their right to be born) but who are just too shy to speak up for themselves — you know how kids are. It’s hard to understand why someone would have an abortion anyway. I mean, all those poor aborted fetuses could have grown up to do great things like cure cancer or be admitted into the United States foster care system. Think of all the possibilities!
Governor Kay Ivey (77) agrees and is elated to see the “misguided and detrimental” right to do what you want with your body stripped from millions of Americans. (Only from the ones who house a uterus, though. Phew!) She and her nice friends from the nursing home speak for all of us when they say that pregnancy is a gift from Above, regardless of the circumstance (incest, rape, you’re only 10 years old, etc.) Guns, Glory, and God Bless the USA!
Funding the Church!
The Supreme Court, hallowed be thy name, also ruled that tax dollars can fund private religious schools. Now we’re really starting to make America great again! For too long kids have been taught liberal lies and theories made up by the Devil like evolution, climate change, and gravity. God doesn’t believe in all that mess and neither should the next generation of well-informed American voters. Everyone agrees.
Now that religious schools can collect tax dollars, they will be better equipped to teach kids the Devine Truth. Things like Adam and Eve, Sharia law, and geocentrism can finally be taught to the elite on the public’s dime. That’s the American Dream, baby!
In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court almost gave veterans the right to an early retirement without any benefits or pension. And wouldn’t that have been a heck of a deal? The four dissenters — Justices Alito, Thomas, Barrett, and Gorsuch — ruled that a disabled Texas veteran is in fact not entitled to protection against discrimination when trying to reenter the workforce. Why should disabled veterans have to reenter the work force anyway? I’d take their dissent a step further and say that disabled veterans should receive the benefits they need to live without having to fight to get a job. Yeah, too socialist isn’t it? I guess in the meantime we can just be glad protections against discrimination still exist a little. Thank you, America!
Solving Gun Violence!
The baby-killin’ libs say that Conservatives haven’t done enough to curb mass-shootings in America. Wrong! Here’s the facts: Conservatives — who are so popular and love America so much that they can make decisions for everyone without even winning a majority of the votes — have saved the souls of hundreds of mass-shooting victims by praying about them a lot and thinking about them even more. God’s work! But let’s be honest; we’re still seeing lots of mass-shootings even after all that thinking and praying. At first it didn’t make sense that the thinking and praying wasn’t working, so Conservatives got together to think and pray some more and came to the following conclusion: getting shot and killed at school must be the Lord’s will (and we just can’t do much about that!) Problem solved! This Fourth of July, be thankful that your politicians are saving the fetuses and thinking and praying about the dead children who were victims of school shootings this year.
I’m sure glad to reflect on a few of the great things about our great country this Independence Day. God Bless, the South will rise again, and happy Fourth of July.